Still Waiting

Sunday, June 26, 2005

today.. was supposed to be pleasant.

while going home with my friends, i saw him sitting at the bus stop. i didnt know if he saw me ornot. i didnt dare to say hi. he didnt look in my direction either.

it was my dream to see him. i saw him. it happened like what i dreamt last week. why must it be just a day before my CT? i feel like giving up. he still looks fine.

today's walk home was extremely short.. it felt like a total dream..my head is a total blank. couldnt find anything to comfort myself, cant find anything to lie to myself. i realise i was crying, right after i walked past him and till i reach home. i shant say i really feel heartbroken, for i experienced it in my dreams already. suddenly i don't know how heartbroken feels. and i don't wish to remember.

it was really hard to move on, so hard to continue walking home. felt so much like sitting down on the pavement forever. as i walked past the place where we watched the clouds, i sat down and told myself, i shouldnt let my heart believe anymore lies. everything felt so unreal. i wished it was a dream, n it felt like a dream. but i could feel tears dropping down. i could feel my feet drag along the pavement, unwilling to walk any further. i could feel my head spinning.. my heart beating at a much slower rate, and my diaphragm stiff, refusing to take in any more air. suffocated. i felt that there was nothing i could do. i felt like running back to see him, but wad can i do? i felt my heart numb yet bleeding, and this is what i'll never feel when i'm in my dreams.

i want to fall into a deep deep sleep.. and never wake up. perhaps that is when i can no longer feel anymore pain.

i'm too hurt. too pain. i know the pain is there.. but i cannot feel it anymore. no more...

-when are you coming back? ;